Fear 2.0

Day four at the hospital.

I thought by now there would be an answer on what’s going on with my little boy. He’s only going on four weeks old. Shouldn’t his tests have some kind of priority?

I think yesterday, aside from the very first night, was the most emotional. The pediatrician came in to take his vitals and listen to his heart. It was the first time a heart murmur had ever been mentions. Three days in a hospital and no one heard it before? Why? Well, the pediatrician ordered an echo on Elijah’s little heart. Seeing him hooked up to the machine broke me. I cried, again. He’s been so strong through all of this. Through the six different blood draws for tests, through the chest x-ray, through the lumbar puncture that failed twice and they had to repeat it a third time, and through the echo.

The good news I’ve received so far is: his liver function enzymes have decreased which I’ve been told is a great sign. It’s not the flu. It’s not meningitis. He’s finally over seven pounds after four weeks of struggling to gain weight.

The bad news is that they don’t know what’s wrong. It could be his heart. It could be some kind of infection they haven’t found yet. The unknown is scary. It’s more than scary. It’s terrifying. I don’t like not knowing what is making my son sick. I don’t like not being able to make him all better. I don’t like this situation at all.

Today I was told that by 1:30 tomorrow we should finally have all the results in. Which means we’ll be spending yet another night in this hospital room. I keep praying, hoping the God is listening. I haven’t been the best Christian lately, but I’m hoping he won’t hold that against my son. Then again, I’ve been told that’s not how prayer works. I don’t know. This isn’t the time to question my faith.

I’m trying to hold it together the best I can. I need good news. I can’t take anymore bad.

Send any positive vibes you can this way. We need it.

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