In just five days, my husband and I will be welcoming our fourth (and final) child into this world. I’ve gone through an array of emotions throughout this pregnancy from the moment those two lines appeared on the test to the day I got my induction date and time.
Time for some honesty.
I was not excited in the beginning. I was over a month late for my period and I had taken three separate pregnancy tests. They ALL said negative. Then one day, as I sat in my bathroom praying for another negative, a second pink line appeared. I fell apart right there in my bathroom.
My son was supposed to be my last baby. I had enough complications with that pregnancy that I never wanted to repeat it. I had gotten extremely sick. I suffered from perinatal depression. Plus, I was already overwhelmed with three kids ages 6 and under. I did not want to have another baby.
Emotion one: Regret.
I pulled my big girl panties on and left the bathroom and immediately told my husband. I was shocked by his reply, not because he didn’t want another baby but because he told me that I needed to have an abortion. (It was the way he said it that added to the shock.) Something we had both spoken about at length, before our marriage, on how it’s against our morals and beliefs.
Emotion two: Anger.
The second person to find out was my mom. Mostly because I tell my mom everything but mostly because I needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t sugar coat things with “it’s going to be okay.” I was able to vent about the situation and get appropriate options. Adoption being one and keeping the baby being the other.
Adoption seemed like an okay option. So, I started looking into it. I looked into private party adoptions, agency adoptions, etc. I began to wonder the “what ifs.” What if they always wondered why I didn’t want them? What if I changed my mind at the end of the road? What if I never got to know how life ended up for them?
You know those stories you hear about women who had their child adopted kidnapping their child back? I didn’t want to be that woman in the story.
Emotion three: Psycho.
After a month or so of weighing out my options, I had a doctors appointment where I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I cried. And that was that. I was keeping this baby. I’d figure out a way to raise four children. I’d find the strength to be the best mom I could be.
Emotion four: Love.
Since deciding to keep the baby, I’ve gone through many more emotions which is normal throughout a pregnancy. Worry, sadness, overwhelming anxiety, depression, and fear. I was so afraid I’d lose my son-to-be when I had to have emergency surgery in December. I was relieved when he was as healthy as I was afterward. I was scared when they couldn’t find his heartbeat at an appointment. I was overjoyed the moment I heard the thump-thump.
These next five days are going to be charged with worry, anxiety, fear, happiness, and many other emotions. I also know that they’ll be filled with love. Lots and lots of love. Only five days away, I get to me my little boy.
I am beyond excited!