I’m not one who usually talks about my faith. Actually, the only time I’ve ever really discussed God or my own personal beliefs was in debates. I am a firm believer in Christ and God. I may not act like it at times, but I do. I’m not a perfect Christian. Then again, I don’t know of anyone who really is. I do know that I have accepted the Lord as my savior and welcomed him into my heart as my guide in life. Again, I know I don’t act like it but it’s true.
I have lost my faith a time or two. I question my faith when life gets really difficult. The other morning I was actually beginning to question my faith. After all, why would God cause so much suffering in one person’s life? At this time, I was listening to My Faith In You by Brantley Gilbert. One of the lines in the song is “That’s why I’m thumbing through these pages. They say the answers are in red. And I believe they’re in here somewhere. I just haven’t found them yet. But it’s the only hope I have left.” I did the same thing. I looked up bible verses.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6. God goes with you. He is in my heart and he does guide me from time to time. I may be stubborn but I know he’s leading me. He has a plan for me. I just don’t have a clue what it is yet. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He has faith in me as I have faith in him. Even when it seems like he isn’t there, he’s watching out for me. He’s holding me in the palm of his hand and watching me grow as a person.
“Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end, they will look in triumph on their foes.” Psalm 112:6-8. Someone once told me that God gives his hardest tests to his strongest soldiers. I thought about this and if it’s true, God must really believe in me. I have seen some dark times. I have experienced some trying situations. If God believes I can handle it, then why can’t I believe that of myself? He is making me stronger. He’s watching as I pull myself back up every time something knocks me down. I have learned to not fear that bad. It may stress me out to the max. It may make me nervous. And yes, it sounds like I fear it. I know that sometimes it’s inevitable. But I turn to God. I do. I ask for strength. I ask for guidance. I ask for signs. I’ve asked him to open my eyes to what he needs me to see. I’ve learned to trust that he will not leave me alone in my darkest days.
I’ve prayed and asked God some really odd questions. I’ve questioned him. I’ve questioned myself. I know someone out there is saying, “Praying doesn’t work that way! He’s not listening to everything you say.” Well, my darlings, I believe that he hears me. He hears me question him. He also hears me tell myself I’m silly for questioning God. And I ask him to forgive me for being silly. I leave my faith in the Lord. I leave my hopes to him. I leave my life to him.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31. God is my strength. I have found strength in him when I’ve felt like I was losing myself. He was the glue when I was falling apart. I can explain exactly what I mean here.
I was 17 when I thought about committing suicide. I was sitting in my Wood-shop class in the twelfth grade. We were about to start working on a new project and I thought it would be so easy to just slit open an artery on one of the saws we use. I walked out of class that day and went straight to my guidance counselor. He contacted my mother and I went to get evaluated. I was admitted into a hospital for a group and individual therapy sessions. It was there that they had discovered the “root of my problems.” It was also there that I remembered that God was on my side. I turned to him. I asked him to forgive me for hating myself. I asked him to show me the silver lining and to help me have faith in myself and him once again.
Over the next year, I prayed to God to give me the strength to make it to the next day. I battled depression for quite a few years. I still do. But I know that with God on my side that he will deliver me from my demons. This brings me to the last Bible verse I want to include in this posting.
“The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:17-19. God hears your cries for help. He hears you plead for strength, patience, love, faith, or whatever it is you’re asking him for. I know in my heart that God will guide me and I will get through whatever situation I am in. He knows I am not a perfect person. He knows I will probably never be a good Christian woman. But I know that I will one day ask for his forgiveness and I hope he will believe in me once again.
I’d like to think that someday I will live my life by my faith and not the very unchristian-like ways I have been. It’s a huge change to make but I know that God loves his children. Even those who have forsaken him. He loves them despite their sins and their mistakes. That means he loves me. It means he will always love me.
I am not a perfect person. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count. I have sinned. I have questioned my faith. I have questioned the existence of God. I have questioned his plans for me, for others, for this world. But I then remind myself that he is the Almighty God and he has it all figured out. I put my faith in him and I put my bible away. I have found the answers I am looking for. And whatever it is that you believe, I know what I believe. And I believe that I can trust my faith. I can trust in God. I will be okay.
I will be okay.